Connecting to my Self
Before I started the podcast, before I started this website, I thought I would like to blog. I opened a wordpress blogging page and wrote exactly ONE post. The following one:
A year ago, if you told me I would be sitting at this table writing out this post I wouldn’t have believed you. A year ago, if you had told me that I would be taking the time to self-reflect, to get to know myself, to listen to myself, to hear myself, I wouldn’t have believed you. A year ago I felt really lost. I felt like I was in such a deep dark well and I honestly couldn’t see a shimmer of light. A year ago I gave myself two options: Get a bottle of vodka and drink this pain and chaos away, or go to church and meditate. I chose church even though I am not very religious. I sat in a tiny little chapel in the middle of Amsterdam, tourists coming in and out, and I prayed. I prayed to God, to my mother, to angels, to the universe, to source, to my heart. I prayed that something, someone would help me. I needed a hand to pull me out from this darkness I found myself in.
The hand that reached out was my own. Through a (mostly) consistent writing practice I pulled myself out of the prison I had created. Nowadays it’s hard to write about because so much has changed. My mind works so differently. It’s hard to imagine how negative I felt back then. How hopeless. But I felt it. I know I did. I felt despair. I felt loneliness. I felt a disconnection. I felt discontented. I felt empty. I had given and given and given love to everyone and everything except myself. I believed that by giving love to others I would magically receive it. But that was one of the biggest misconceptions about love that I learned this past year. In order to receive love, you need to know HOW to receive love. You need to be OPEN to receive it. And you NEED TO GIVE IT TO YOURSELF. First and foremost. The only person that can give you all the love you’ll ever need is You.
But how does someone who had abandoned themselves a long time ago give themselves love? I had abandoned myself a long time ago. I wasn’t holding my own hand. I wasn’t taking care of my needs. I lost the link to my Self. I had imprisoned the little child that lives within us, the True You. I had her locked up and bound so extremely well that I could hardly hear her calls for help. But she was calling. She was calling loudly. I had created a prison around her and I was making it impossible for her to breathe. I am grateful she kept on fighting to be heard, because that day, where I only felt like I had two options, that’s the day she made herself heard. And that’s when I CHOSE to make a conscious effort to change my life. I was unhappy. But I was done feeling unhappy. There had to be a way to be happy. That's why I find myself sitting here today, sharing this. Because today, I work hard to listen to her. To keep that channel open between us. To make sure she can breathe. And she wants me to write. She wants me to share. I want to be truthful to Me. And that is what this space is about. This is me sharing my truth. This is me sharing what I now know. These are my experiences and stories, but I believe they are also universal. I believe someone will read this and feel a little less alone in the world. I hear you. I see you. You are here. You are beautiful.
Am I afraid? Yes! I am so afraid. I am afraid of what people will think when they read this. I am afraid of being disliked. But there is nothing I can do about that. Some will like me, others won’t. And that doesn’t matter to me so much anymore. What matters to me is listening to myself. And I want to write. That’s my truth at this very moment. I want to write. I want to share. I want to do this! So I am. I am going to do this. And it doesn’t matter where it ends up. It doesn’t matter whether it becomes a big thing or not. What matters is that I am listening to Her. I am listening to my heart. I am listening to my voice and I am using it. I am taking a risk, but it also means I will grow from this. And let me tell you, when I listen to Her, when I give her the space to breathe and live, she lives beautifully. And that’ the place I want to be at every day. That’s what I’m striving for right now. It’s to live the truth that is inside me. To live the beauty that I have experienced on a couple of occasions. There must be a way to live like that every day. There must be a way to experience that beauty every day. That’s what my journey is about right now. How do I nourish this soul that I have? How do I nourish the Self and allow Her to thrive?
When I look back at what I’ve written I notice that my inner voice knows things. Knows things subconsciously that I consciously don’t understand or am ready to hear yet. That was one of my first morning pages but yet it took me a year to understand what She was trying to say back then. But the more I cultivate that relationship, the easier it becomes to listen to it. So here I am now, sharing my voice with you.