Balance

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I quit my full-time job back in September. A career I had been pursuing for the last 10 years.  I had finally accepted the truth that I was extremely unhappy with my job. I didn't want a career in luxury retail. I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do with my life, but I knew what I DIDN'T want.

There wasn't a moment of regret quitting my job. In fact, the first few months following the end I felt empowered and confident. I was finally going to give myself the time I needed to figure out what I might want to do with my life. I was finally going to allow myself to follow my dreams and ideas. It was going to be great!  Not quite. It took me a couple of months to get used to NOT DOING ANYTHING. To waking up and having a whole day ahead of me without anything planned. That took some getting used to. But once I did, I realized I loved being in control of my time. And once I got used to not doing anything I found myself finally giving myself the time to give attention to my dreams and ideas. That's where this website came from. That's where the youtube channel came from. From those moments. And I loved having those moments. I had never felt more creative and more energized. I was finally pursuing things that I enjoyed. But I wasn't getting paid. Uh oh. I was manifesting amazing opportunities in the future, but RIGHT NOW I wasn't getting paid. 

January hit and I panicked about the fact that I wasn't getting any inflow of cash and decided to get a part-time job as a cashier. I needed something super flexible and low responsibility and this seemed like the perfect opportunity. I got the job right away and started the second week of January. I thought it would be a great way to earn some extra cash while working on my personal business and creative endeavors. However, my mindset is still in the "whoever is paying my salary gets all my energy and time" and this means that I have been giving all of my time and energy to my new part-time job. 

NOT GOOD. 

I am noticing my creative pursuits are faltering because I can not give them the time and energy I would like. I notice that I am expressing distant behavior, shutting my mind off by watching a lot of Netflix rather than spending time getting myself into alignment and creative flow. I feel insecure about everything. I eat mindlessly. I am not putting in the time to work on my podcast or youtube channel or this website.  These are the warning signs for me. When this starts to show up in my life it usually means something isn't okay. Luckily I become aware of these moments faster and faster which means I can take action sooner rather than later. 

I am convinced that the reason I was manifesting all of the good opportunities was that I was in a mindset of allowing myself to receive those opportunities. I was putting out good energy and it was attracting clients. I know this is the case because the friend that got me a really great opportunity to teach a teambuilding workshop at Nike said she wouldn't have thought of me if I hadn't been in such a good place recently. So for me it's important to cultivate that. 

Life is all about balance. And that's what I am trying to figure out. What is a good balance for me right now? 

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